Who am I?

Who am I? I am a child of God. I am an unworthy sinner who has been saved by the grace of God and the atoning blood of Christ. I am a son who is not very good at connecting with his father and is too quick to dismiss the things his mother says. I am a husband who is unworthy of the love of a strong, loving woman. My wife has forgiven me more times than I deserve and has not in any way been paid back for her love and forgiveness. I am a father to a young son and daughter who have to watch a daddy who sometimes loses his anger, is too harsh with them, and often expects from them more than they are able to give at their age or should be expected to give to me. I am a pastor of a baptist church in Carson City, Nevada who fights a daily battle to not take pride in those things that God does through His church, through me, and through His people. I often feel a failure in all of these areas (sometimes simultaneously) and in many other areas. I feel the pressure to exceed my expectations of myself. I don’t know how to rest. I have a difficult time letting go of past hurts and recent conflicts. I can add more taks to my to-do list than I can check off in a day, in a week, or in a lifetime.  I am an avid reader. I like to garden. I have a hard time making friends and a harder time keeping friends (due to my lack of effort, not my friends’ faults). I worry about what I did in the past, what I am doing presently, and what I may do in the future. I am haunted by some memories I have from childhood, and more haunted by my inability to remember the good times. I disappoint myself often. I disappoint others more often than I should. I want to have “a place for everything, and everything in its place,” but my dirty laundry is always on the bedroom floor. I want to be a leader in my family, but I rarely take the initiative to lead spiritual, financial, or relational change. I want to do better but I don’t always seem to know how. Or I am too tired to try. But, I am a friend, a brother, a pastor, a son, a daddy, a husband, a sinner saved by grace, and  a child of God.

Hope … God can and will transform me.